Love is the most beautiful word in the world. The world itself started with love and one day will end with love. Rest everything in between is only the quest to find pure love ultimately. Everyone of us got separated from God/Maa, the source of supreme love at the start of the world. And everyone of us knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly is looking for that pure love only.
We keep on looking for this feeling of being loved, this sense of security throughout our lives. Some people look for love in relationships, some in success, some in domination , some in power but the essence remains the same, ie. to be secured, to be taken care of, to be free from all worries, to be contended.
One ultimately finds that pure love only after experiencing many glimpses of that through various relationships and emotional evolution. What we generally call love in today’s world is more of an agreement of necessities between two individuals. We love someone till the time he/she is behaving in a certain manner. For example if you think you are in love with our wife, then you should love her irrespective of her behaviour. Now consider a hypothetical scenario wherein your wife starts flirting with every man around, starts going out with available men every now and then, starts sleeping around basically. Suppose you find out and you try to reason with her but she doesn’t listen. She keeps on roaming around with other men. In this case how long will your love for her survive ? I don’t think it will last long. Now if there was ‘love’ between you two then how was it so dependent upon a certain acceptable behaviour ? It was never love… it was simply an agreement between two individuals based upon certain do’s and dont’s …
Take another example, suppose you love your father too much. Now one fine day your father starts behaving in a rude manner. he comes home drunk everyday and starts beating you and your mother black and blue everyday. He stops fulfilling his financial and emotional duties towards his family. And ultimately makes your life hell. In that case again how long will your love for him survive ? Think again, it was again never love. it was simply another agreement of necessities wherein will the time someone is fulfilling your emotional and financial needs, you love him. The moment he starts behaving differently that ‘love’ is lost between you two. Apply this to any relationship you are into or have been into and you’ll realise that there was only attachment that too based upon certain conditions not love.
We, through our journeys of lives slowly understand pure love. This is what I call emotional evolution. There are three stages of this feeling, namely sex, love and compassion. We spend many lives understanding each one of them. The essence of each one of them is the same but the experience and understanding is quite different from one another.
It is the simplest way to touch that essence of pure love. During the act of sex one touches that particle of God, that joy, that essence of pure love just for a moment before ejaculation for a fraction of a second. All the efforts one makes during the sex is to reach that point only. But no matter what, one can not stay there even for a second. One reaches that point and within a fraction of a second he/she ejaculates and everything ends there. One thinks that he/she is having sex for pleasure without realising that every one is doing sex just to feel that point even if it is there for a moment.
Sex is pure selfishness of one’s body. Just like one uses his/her own body and mind to pleasure himself/herself while masturbating, during sex one uses other’s body to pleasure himself or herself. Sex has absolutely nothing to do with love. Who has not pleasured himself/herself thinking about someone in his/her mind other than his/her beloved ? Now where is love in that ? One decides his/her moral boundary depending upon his/her set of beliefs and assumes that if he/she is not crossing that particular boundary then he/she is keeping his/her love intact all the while thinking about others in his/her mind. Now the question is whether he/she is in love with the person he/she is thinking sexually about ? Obviously not. It is only a desire without an iota of love. If he/she is in love with the person he/she claims to be ? Obviously not. Had there been any love between them then the mere thought of someone else wouldn’t have arisen.
We mostly confuse sexual desires with love. Love is meant to be selfless. While in what we call love, everything is about self only. Who loves ? ‘I’ love. Who wants the other person’s physical body ? ‘I’ want. Who derives pleasure out of it ? ‘I’ do. Who want to be happy around someone ? ‘I’want… and so on… Now it is all about ‘I’ only, self only. Where is selflessness in that ? Where is love in that ?
Normally when one craves for one particular person’s body other than mere other bodies he/she starts calling it love. However the concerned person simply wants to physically possess the other person. We everyday hear cases wherein a guy falls for a girl and when the girl doesn’t pay heed to his advances he kills the girl. Now the guy keeps on thinking that he is madly in love with the girl but actually he simply wants the possession of that girl’s body exclusively for himself. Otherwise who is stopping him from keep loving that girl from a distance ?
Whenever one falls in love, he/she always wants that relationship to culminate into marriage, why ? Again it is only about the fulfilment of bodily desires with the beloved. Rest all the filmy thoughts one creates around it about companionship and understanding and blah blah blah are nothing but mere fodder for his/her mind.
Desires never end. One desire gives birth to another desire only. When one desires of someone’s body and it gets fulfilled then after a while he/she gets bored with that person’s body. It is something like when one is young and wants a bicycle, one craves for it. And when one gets that bicycle , one loves it to the core for a few days. One keeps on riding that bicycle even in one’s dreams. The bicycle and one become inseparable for the first few days. Then slowly one gets used to that bicycle and it becomes a mere another possession for him/her. When one grows up more then the same craving for motorcycle starts and the history repeats itself. When one gets his/her desire fulfilled then the value of the object diminishes. And that gives birth to further desires. The same thing happens when people fall for so called ‘love’ or physical desires in reality. Some people don’t go literally looking for others in physical sense because of their own moral barriers but who can stop their minds from desiring for someone else ?
The relationships loose their flame because of this only. People start thinking that they have committed a mistake by choosing the wrong partner because they don’t find that spark in their relationships anymore. What they dont realise is it was mere a physical desire and once it has been fulfilled it simply doesn’t entice them anymore. Some people start looking for other people to fulfil their further physical desires telling themselves that they can find their ‘true love’ may be with someone else. But eventually after roaming around and experiencing with others they eventually come to square one. And this is because what they are looking for is actually pure love but they are looking for it at wrong places. No matter with how many people you sleep and for what duration, that particle of God, that joy that pure love can simply be touched but can never be maintained for more than a fraction of a second.
Now it is given that whatever we desire , we’ll get it if not in this lifetime then in next. So we keep on desiring and we keep on coming back to fulfilling those desires lifetimes after lifetimes. It goes on till the time we realise how futile it is to look for pure love in physical realm. One spends many lifetimes decoding this first stage called sex. Truth slowly starts sinking in when one after fulfilling his/her physical desires with a number of people through many lives realises that this can not give him/her that joy, that pure love he/she is seeking beyond a moment. This experience is essential in order to learn from it and then after learning and realising , moving beyond it.
One can not feel love ie. the second stage of pure love, unless one has gone beyond this selfishness of his/her body. When one goes beyond sex only then he/she can see love, can feel love. There is nothing bad about having sexual desires. It is just the first stage of understanding pure love and this experience is essential in order to learn from it and then after learning and realising , moving beyond it.
Someone once said that true love and ghost sighting have something in common. Every other guy claims to have witnessed either of two but rarest of the rare have actually. It is impossible to define a feeling into words. It is something like how can you tell someone the taste of mango when someone has never eaten one ?
Let’s call this feeling ‘true love’ just to differentiate it from ‘pure love’. Pure love is the essence of God/Maa/Nature. True love is just another glimpse of that pure love. However this time this glimpse is a bit longer.
True love goes beyond the body. When selfishness of the body ends only then ‘true love’ happens. There is no place of sex in true love. True love goes beyond the definitions of relationships. It can happen with anyone without any discrimination. You may be in true love with your mother, your father, your kid, your Guru just with anyone. True love gives you more access to that particle of God, that joy, that pure love. Here it’s not momentary as it is in sex. Here you may stay in that state of bliss for a longer period of time.
In true love, one surrenders himself/herself to the beloved. There are no agreements of necessities in true love. Your beloved may beat you everyday, may insult you everyday, may not even look at you at all but you still surrender yourself to him/her. And it happens only with one person. There is no place for anyone else in true love. Amir Khusro said, Prem Gali Ati Saankri, Jaa Mein Doojo Na Samaay/ The street of love is so narrow that no two people can exist there. Meera Bai said, Kaajar daarun kirkira, Surma sahaa na jaay… Jin nainan mein Piy base, Dooja kaun samaay.
There are no expectations in true love hence there are no agreements of necessities in it. It is completely a one sided affair. You’ll only fall in true love with a higher soul than yours, otherwise the surrender is not possible. And because your beloved is a higher soul, he/she will never fall back in love with you. He/She will be in a permanent state of compassion which is a higher state of pure love. Take any case of true love from history and you’ll find that whoever wrote the most beautiful poetry defining his/her true love for his/her beloved was always in love with a higher soul. Amir Khusro was in love with his Guru Nizamuddin Aulia, Meera was in love with Krishn, Sita was in love with Ram.
There is nothing to gain in true love, there is everything to loose in it. This is the second stage of learning. When you are in true love, you let go of your ego. You let go this notion of ‘I’ . You get so involved with your beloved that there is no ‘you’ left in you. You ultimately become your beloved. Tulsidas Ji said, Aaphu dekhi, aap hui jaayi…/ When i see you, I become you.
One who reaches this state and falls in true love, he/she experiences the glimpse of that pure love for a little more time. Whenever he/she looks into the eyes of his/her beloved, he/she feels that bliss. Even at this stage this is simply not possible for one to look at the eyes of his/her beloved for a long time. One looks, feels that bliss, that pure love but can not keep staring and receiving it. His/her eyes automatically take a backseat after a few seconds. But in those few seconds he/she feels that bliss.
This world, its worldly achievements, its worldly worries, its worldly duties and its worldly necessities have no meaning for the one who is in true love. He/she will let go of anything and everything including himself/herself just for the sake of that one look into the eyes of his/her beloved. The people who touch this bliss remain slightly intoxicated all the time. No matter what they are doing, they simply can not stay away from the thought of their beloved for long. They seriously start even looking like their beloved after a while. Tum jo dekh rahe ho wo mujhsa dikhta hai, mere wujood mein khushbu sa wo bikharta hai… / What you are looking at merely looks like me, ‘He’ flows like a sweet smell in me.
True love is selfless, without ego in all the worldly and bodily senses but…. it is still not selfless entirely. Like sex is the selfishness of body, true love is the selfishness of mind. The one who is in true love let his/her ego go but only for his/beloved. He/she surrenders completely but only to his/her beloved. The world doesn’t exist for him/her but his/her beloved becomes his/her world. To move even further and to receive more of that pure love, one has to let this true love go as well……
One spends a few lifetimes understanding this true love and ultimately after realising that even this can not offer him/her more than a few moments of that pure bliss, pure love… one moves further and reaches compassion. Compassion is neither the selfishness of body nor the selfishness of mind. Compassion goes beyond the definition of mine and others. Compassion is selfless in each and every sense. One who reaches this state loves everyone equally. For him/her everyone is like him/her. He/she sees God/Maa/Nature in every individual. He /She doesn’t hate anyone for any reason whatsoever. He/She may get angry at someone, may scold someone but his/her intention remains pure.
For example Ram loved his washerman or his subjects as much as he loved Sita. Krishn loved Radha as much as he loved Meera or other Gopis. Buddha loved Yashoda as much as he loved Ajaatshatru. There is no discrimination here.
Kisko ‘Kaisar’ patthar maarun, kaun paraaya hai / O ‘Kaisar’, at whom should i throw stones,
Sheeshmahal mein har ek chehra apna lager hai …/ Every face looks like mine own in this house of mirrors….
At this level one aligns himself/herself with Nature. And like Nature he/she remains neutral to all. One constantly remains near that pure bliss, pure love, that joy, that particle of God. One becomes very calm. Nothing affects him/her anymore.
This is actually the start of understanding non duality. Once one reaches compassion only then the real journey towards that permanent state of pure love, pure bliss, pure joy, spirituality starts….
Easiest way to understand spirituality is to understand love. I have talked about three knots namely Brahm Knot, Vishnu Knot and Rudra Knot in reference to kundalini awakening in my previous answers. Now understand, when one gets out of his bodily selfishness, ie. sex, one opens the first knot ie. Brahm Knot. Sex is a symbol of creation. Once out of it, he/she doesn’t want to create anything anymore. When one falls in true love, one starts opening the second knot ie. Vishnu Knot. Here one doesn’t want to retain anything or anyone anymore. His/her world gets confined in his/her beloved. He/she surrenders his/her ego at the feet of his/her beloved. Everything else becomes meaningless for him/her. When one moves beyond even his/her beloved, he/she opens this second knot of Vishnu. When one reaches the state of compassion then he opens the third knot of Rudra. At this state nothing of this world affects him/her. He/she stays in Maya but remains untouched by it.
Everyone of us crave for love and we keep looking for it among fellow humans, thinking that one day i’ll find someone who’ll truly love me. But we fail to realise that pure love is a virtue of God not that of humans. When after spending lives after lives in search of it without any success then only we understand its true meaning and its true source.
May love be with all….
Thanks to Aghor Bhadra for this post.